Something different...

Let's cut to the chase here... I could write in specific detail about my every experience with my knee and the events and journey that evolved from one fateful choice and two fatefully placed rocks, OR, I could spit it out - straight to the point.

Basically, I have had 4 operations on my right knee in 3 years. When my journey started, I was mortified as any human being would be. I honestly had no idea who I was and described it as follows;

I've always viewed myself as a tree, I have my roots, my trunk/body, my branches and my leaves. Before I had my accident, I knew what each of those were symbolic of and could thoroughly describe why. 2 years later (at the time that I wrote this), all I seem to be able to find is my roots, which I keep seeing as my family and my partner. I have no idea what I believe, what my morals are, who I am, what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it. I feel like instead of the sun gently urging me to grow and transform, I'm left with a sky which remains uncoloured and a strange stillness, taunting me to delve deeper into this strange and unnerving confusion. I've been cut off, just above the surface and have no idea how to grow back to the beautiful tree I used to be.

Deep stuff hey.? The funny thing is that this passage I wrote was the clearest I had thought in a long time. For quite a few months, I just didn't know how to cope with anything, and I 'dabbled in depression'. I didn't write anything in my journal. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I felt I needed my partner to be around so that I could be happy - and when he wasn't around, I was miserable, moody, fragile and emotionally wrecked. My body was healing only to a base level and then without warning, giving way and I'd be back at square one. Add in the fact that I was also 20kgs heavier than ever before, weighing 80kg at 173cms tall, and you've got a near toxic mix. I was that much of a mess that I nearly broke my relationship with my partner, which is still an extremely tender subject which I carry a lot of guilt about.

March 17th 2012 I shaved my butt-length hair off and donated it to a Foundation in NSW called 'Tresses for Princesses', raising $3500 for the Leukemia Foundation. Bald head, a new found lightness and a clean slate to start my healing process.

Around April last year, my older sister had a baby and my father and I went interstate for a week to see our new family member. I was the happiest I had been in years. When we came back, it took 3 days before my father bought me a one way ticket back to my sisters and something clicked. I had space to think and a different oxygen to breathe. I knew no one other than my sisters family, which meant that no one knew me personally. No one had constantly witnessed my constant rise and fall over the past two years and 3 operations. For the next 4 weeks I had the chance to make a positive impact on my life and implement serious, and permanent, changes.
 - I decided I was only going to consume the minimum amount of meat and animal products.
 - I joined the local library (which everyone should do!) and hired out 6 books on healing, wellness, allergies, foods and plants that heal, exercise with injuries and positive thinking.
 - I promised myself that I would do 10 push-ups and 30 sit-ups every morning and night.
 - Last but not least, I vowed that I would LEARN and GROW every single day.

The first book I read was called 'Stopping Inflammation' in which I learnt more than I had expected to learn. One of the main topics which struck a chord with me was about allergies and how they really affect our bodies. I realised that by refusing to pay attention to my body's warning signs, I was digging an even deeper hole than I had originally thought. This information allowed me to come to terms with being my own physical enemy and finally I decided to completely cut milk and dairy out of my diet.
"Super Healing" (I'll try to find a picture and link in the next post) was another fascinating read, which opened my eyes and mind even further, and I am still hanging out to buy my own copy.
I can't remember which book I read it in, but one quote shot straight into my soul.
"Many people after a serious injury or life threatening situation, strive to get back to being who they were beforehand. You can't. That person is gone, and you will never be who you were. Instead, you should strive to find a new normal. Decide what you want to aim for and start working on getting there. You will make it. You are going to be okay." This kicked me up the bum so hard, just like the moment I talked about in my first post. Finally every heartfelt conversation my partner and I had over the past two years, finally sunk in. I finally decided, for myself, that NOW was the time to start the changes. Now was the time to start on my quest for a new normal.
One by one, I read those books, taking notes on the information which fascinated and applied to me. I started self studying nutrition and implementing what I learnt in my day to day life.
Day by day, I felt better and better. I looked better and better. My mind became clearer, I could process everything properly and actually think clearly. I started to actually wake up feeling rejuvenated which hadn't really ever happened on a regular basis since I can remember. My muscles started forming properly and I started to lose a little bit of weight.
As soon as my thought process changed, I drew in people of similar mind set and positive spirits. I was becoming someone I loved being. I had passion and drive again, I was starting to become someone I loved being again.

I'm going to stop there for tonight, because I have to be up in... 7 hours. But I'll start up next time where I left off.
I have absolutely no idea if anyone is reading these words apart from me, but my sneaking suspicion is that I'm my own audience haha :0)